


Deconstruction

by Leone_Zemson



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Soulmates, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2017-07-31
Packaged: 2018-12-09 07:12:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11664198
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leone_Zemson/pseuds/Leone_Zemson
Summary: In this world, there is a price to pay if you're with anyone but your soulmate.In this world, there is far too much danger and not enough happiness.In this world, when you feel you have no other choice, you are willing to try to defy nature to get away from loneliness.





	Deconstruction

**Author's Note:**

> A little bit of context to this universe:   
> -Soulmates feel each other's physical pain after they meet  
> -If someone has a romantic/sexual relationship with someone other than their soulmate, their body decomposes.  
> -This story doesn't really fit anywhere in the SnK/AoT universe
> 
> And with that, enjoy.

Jean had screamed.

Who wouldn't, after seeing their soulmate dead and half-rotting in the middle of the field?

Everyone knew it could happen, and they thought they had accepted as they trained to become a soldier, including Jean. But for fuck’s sake, why did it actually have to happen – and why Marco, of all people? He didn't deserve it. He was kind, sweet, caring and patient and-

Jean knew everyone was watching. They had to be, with the way he was - kneeling down by Marco's decomposing corpse, screaming himself hoarse. Wishing that he could have saved Marco. Wishing that they never went on this hopeless mission to reclaim Wall Maria. Wishing that he was dead instead of him. Perhaps even with him.

Eventually, someone timidly tapped him on the shoulder as he quietened down - Armin - quietly saying that they had to go. They were still in titan territory. Jean knew he had the best intentions, and that it was a mistake to he jump up at him with a growl, making him flinch violently. He would apologise later. Instead of snapping, he took a deep breath, grabbed a blanket reserved for corpses and wrapped Marco's body with it. He would be fucking well damned to the depths of hell if he didn't give Marco a proper funeral. He carried him on his back, all the way back to safety. All the way back to Trost. To the hateful looks of citizens who had lost faith in the Scouts.

Fuck them, Jean thought. Fuck them all. They have no idea what it's like. They're not the ones losing their soulmates on the battlefield trying to get land so we can grow more crops to feed them. Fuck them all.

He refused to cry until they finally cremated Marco, leaving his ashes to fly in the wind. Free at last.

The only other person who had stayed behind as long as he had was Eren. He was standing by the pyre, a morose expression on his face but Jean could see he had also zoned out. A flash of anger came over Jean, and he grabbed Eren by his shirt, hoisting him up into the air.

“This was your fault,” he growled. “This mission was based on the assumption that you were ‘Humanity’s Last Hope.’ What a load of bullshit that was - just look at that failure of a mission! Do you know how many people died? How many people lost their soulmates, like me? How many people lost their lives for nothing? That was all your fault!”

“I know,” Eren said tiredly. He truly did.

Jean threw him down onto the ground, sending a disgusted look at his sprawled figure before kicking dust over him.

“You need to do a lot more than just know, Jӓger,” Jean spat, before turning and walking away.

\--**--**--**--**--**--

Eren spent the next few months in misery. He couldn't even begin to imagine what Jean was going through - the thought of losing Levi absolutely terrified him. He didn't know what he would do without his soulmate... yet that's exactly what happened to Jean. Levi saw that he was down a lot of the time, and gave him extra cuddles - very uncharacteristic of him. Eren thought that he couldn't possibly be 'Humanity's Last Hope' after all.

When the next mission came up – a general one just to sweep the perimeter of titans – Eren didn’t want to go. Only an order from Levi made him go. His ability was far too valuable to not use.

“It’s only a minor mission,” Levi said, an uncharacteristically soft look in his eyes, “There shouldn’t be many casualties.”

So Eren dragged himself, gear in hand, up to the top of the walls where they had to meet. If he looked over, he should see the desperate Titans scratching at the walls, frantically trying to open what was probably a pack of very tasty sardines to them. Eren could feel his nose automatically wrinkling up and the familiar fire of hatred reignite itself in the pit of his stomach.

“Everyone here knows the drill. Kill titans, don’t get eaten. Everyone will descend on the green smoke signal. Good luck, everyone,” Levi said briefly to the gaggle of soldiers. “Oh, and Jӓger-“ Eren perked up at hearing his name from his soulmate - “if you see a purple smoke signal, you can change into your titan form. That’s all.”

Everyone crouched down, ready to sprint off the wall at the sight of green smoke. Eren knew that even if he felt awful, his hatred would propel him forward. And as long as he could kill titans, he’ll be okay.

Before he knew it, he heard the smoke signal being fired off, and he saw the hundreds of soldiers sprint off, jumping off the wall and activating their manoeuvre gear. He pumped his legs, launching himself at the wall, shooting the hooks directly at the nearest titan’s neck. The lines reeled, bringing Eren face-to-neck with a titan faster than no non-soldier can comprehend. Using the speed as momentum, Eren drew out twin blades and slashed, making a semi-deep cut across the titan’s neck. It roared, and span round to face its attacker, making him curse as he realised that his cut wasn’t deep enough. He evaded a swiping hand, sticking to the wall for a moment, but before he could launch another attack, he saw one of comrades sweep in and finish it off. A flash of two-toned hair told Eren that it was Jean, and he narrowed his eyes.

"That was my kill!" Eren shouted. Jean only glared death at him, and shot off. Eren scowled, and shot off in the other direction.

That horse-faced bastard. Frustrated, he tried to hook onto an unsuspecting titan so he could take out his anger on it. What he didn’t realise that the titan had already targeted him.

“Eren!” he head, and turned his head to see Levi shooting towards him at speed much like lightning. Eren’s eyes widened, but he couldn’t think of anything else as Levi collided into him, pushing him forward. Eren stumbled through the air, his hooks ripping out of where they were planted, and instinctively shot one towards a high position on the wall, so he could regain his senses. He didn’t have long, as he realised why Levi had pushed him.

When he looked, he could see that Levi was being crushed in the palm of the titan that he had tried to use as leverage. His adrenaline spiked as panic filled his system. The titan was going eat Levi.

Everything blurred. Faintly, he realised that he screamed, but the only thing he was focused on was freeing Levi.

He shot towards the titan’s wrist, bent on cutting it off, but his swords caught on the bone, and his blunt blades snapped off. As he hooked on the titan’s neck, swinging himself up, he caught sight of Levi’s face. He looked like he was resigned to his fate, but he also had a look of unguarded love in his eyes.

Aimed at Eren.

Eren couldn’t see his head being bitten off, but he did see the blood that poured from the titan’s mouth. And he could feel his soul ripping in half.

And then all he could see was red. He faintly registered himself attaching new blades, and the tears that stung his eyes in the wind, but he did clearly feel satisfaction as his swords tore out flesh. When his vision cleared, the titan was a mess of steam and decomposing meat.

His felt himself choking up, and immediately, he knew he had to check if Levi was really-

“I don’t think you should do that,” he heard, and suddenly he found himself in Jean’s arms.

“Let me go!” Eren shouted, trying to force himself out of his arms.

“You don’t want to see,” Jean said in a whisper, “trust me.”

“Let go of me!” Eren screamed, shoving Jean in a way that unbalanced him, making him drop Eren.

“Eren, no!” Jean shouted, as Eren fell.

“I have to do this,” Eren said to himself, as he continued falling. “I have to kill them all.” A white hot anger washed over him, and he took his thumb to his mouth, his teeth sinking into it and ripping a bit of the flesh.

He felt himself being surrounding by flesh, his legs and arms fitting in order to control his titan form. He knew what he had to do.

Everything went black.

\--**--**--**--**--**--

“He went against orders. He wasn’t supposed to transform until we gave the signal!”

“He just saw his soulmate being ripped apart, do you have any idea how that feels?”

“No, I don’t, but that doesn’t absolve him of the crime of disobeying orders. This is grounds for treason. In his distressed state, he could have killed some of our men…”

“But he didn’t. He killed all those titans... he didn't stop… and most importantly, he didn't go near our men.” Eren squirmed, letting out a groan of pain.

“He’s awake, guys.”

“Eren! Can you open your eyes?” Eren cracked his eyelids slightly, seeing Armin, Erwin, Hange hovering over him, with Jean a little more distant.

“Guys? What happened…” Eren murmured, before coughing. He tried to cover his mouth, but he found that he was shackled to the bed he was lying on.

"Sorry about the handcuffs," Armin said sheepishly, "but they insisted. They said you might be unstable, after..." He bit his tongue, cutting himself off.

"I'm afraid we have something to tell you..." Erwin started.

Oh god no, Eren thought, please. Tell me he's alright. Tell me I was seeing things.

"We lost one of our greatest soldiers. Your soulmate. Levi." Eren sobbed, tears coming out of his eyes as images of Levi's head being bitten off flooded his mind. He felt that same feeling in his chest as he did when he first saw Levi being killed, but more intense. It was like something inside of him, nestled right in his solar plexus, ripped into tiny little pieces, leaving a gaping wound in its place. Eren couldn't handle it. Couldn't handle with the sudden loneliness and grief and emptiness that suddenly forced into his life. He wished he could die just there, on the spot, to spare himself from having to attempt to live through it.

"He died protecting you," Erwin said over the wails of pain and anguish and tears. "He was a great man." Eren barely heard him - all he could feel and pay attention to was the wound that had ripped his soul into pieces. Erwin and Armin looked at each other, silently understanding what they had to do. They walked out the room, dragging Hange with them, who undoubtedly wanted to know more about the soulmate bond, not having one herself. Armin motioned to Jean to come with them, but Jean hold up his hand in a movement that told Armin that he would be a minute.

"Jäger," Jean started, walking up to Eren's bed when the crying had quietened down a bit, "I get it, I really do." He really was crap at this. "We didn't choose this life. We didn't choose to have to lose their soulmates like this. But... it gets better. Over time. I promise." Eren opened his eyes, looking at Jean blearily.

"Was this how you felt? When you lost Marco? This, this, th-this-"

"Yes," Jean butted in, cutting off Eren's stuttering. “Yes,” he repeated, his voice thick with unborn tears. He fled the room before he started crying.

\--**--**--**--**--**--

Eren was acquitted of treason, as many of the soldiers who went on the mission claimed to have seen the purple smoke signal.

\--**--**--**--**--**--

One night, Eren found himself unable to fall asleep, thinking too much about Levi. He was surprised that he could think about the good times that they had together without the grief and pain overwhelming him - only if he thought too much about his death and how he was gone.

He sighed, rolling over onto his other side, before ultimately deciding that he wasn't going to fall asleep any time soon. He got up, and snuck out of the basement to go to the bathroom.

He splashed some water on his face and rubbed some of the grime away, then washed his hands. He briefly considered taking a shower, but knew that he would probably get into trouble for wasting water. He considered what else he could do, until someone else entered the bathroom.

"Oh. Guess you can't sleep either," Jean said sleepily, making his way to the sinks.

"Not really," Eren replied. "I've been thinking a lot about Levi."

"Huh. I've been thinking a lot about Marco." There was silence for a minute, which was only broken by the sound of Jean splashing some water into his face.

"You're the only one here who really understands what I'm going through," Eren said with a sigh. "Armin and Mikasa try to comfort me, but they don't really get it. And there's you, but you seem to hate me."

"I don't, not really," Jean replied. "I... was so angry when Marco died, and I had to take it out on someone. I'm sorry it had to be you."

"Thanks, I guess." There was silence again. It was interrupted by a sniffle, and Eren turned to see that Jean was crying. He wordlessly wrapped around an arm around his friend's shoulders, silently offering his support.

"I don't like sleeping alone. It feels so lonely," Jean whispered.

"Like something huge is missing," Eren said.

"Yeah," Jean agreed.

"Sleep with me tonight," Eren blurted out.

"What?" Jean squawked in surprise.

"Not like that, I swear!" Eren replied, blushing. "Just sleep. In the same bed. I don't know, I just thought it might help."

"I..." Jean found himself at a loss for a moment. "Fine. It wouldn't be the end of the world if it didn't work, anyway." He covered his nose to try and stop it from dripping. "We can go in a minute."

After Jean blew his nose and dried his eyes, the pair headed out of the bathroom, and down to the basement. Jean snorted after seeing the hand cuffs that had long chains and was attached to the wall.

"You and Levi ever use these?" he asked, unable to help himself.

"Those were to stop me from escaping and-slash-or turning into a titan, not for anything else," Eren replied, blushing lightly.

"Sure, if you say so," Jean said, shaking his head. They both climbed under the sheets, on opposite sides of the bed.

"Goodnight," Eren said softly.

"Goodnight," Jean replied, feeling sleep tug his eyelids closed.

\--**--**--**--**--**--

The next morning, Eren woke up to find himself squashed up against Jean, Jean's arms around him. For a brief moment, he was back with Levi, waking up with him after exhausting days and the occasional busy night, before remembering that he was dead. Suddenly, he felt disgusted, and tried to wriggle out of Jean's grip, only to have his arms tighten further around him.

"Marco, no," Jean mumbled in his sleep. Eren's eyes softened. Of course, Jean probably clung to him because he thought he was Marco. He sighed, silently hoping that he woke up soon. Luckily for him, he didn't have to wait long.

"Morning," Jean mumbled into Eren's neck.

"Morning," Eren greeted back, counting down the seconds before Jean realised what he was doing.

"Ah shit," Jean half-exclaimed, ripping his arms from Eren's form and jumping back like he was fire. "I'm sorry-"

"It's fine," Eren said before Jean could say anything else, "I understand." Jean relaxed.

"Okay," he said. He felt a bit awkward, and wasn't sure what to do. "...I... better go before people think I've gone missing." He quickly scrambled out of bed, and Eren couldn't help but feel like he'd betrayed Levi. After all, he just shared his bed with someone who was not his late lover.

But then again, I was lonely. That's surely understandable, Eren thought. And I know Jean was too...

So when, the following night, Jean arrived at the basement door, fidgeting and looking slightly nervous, Eren wordlessly accepted him into his bed once again. And when they woke up in the morning in the same position as the previous, Eren couldn't bring himself to mind, even as he noticed that Jean was slightly reluctant to let go of him. And when the next several nights were the same, he realised that they both needed each other - more than he first realised. With Jean, he could forget about the loneliness and the empty space that Levi left behind in his heart, of the nightmares which retold Levi's death in gruesome detail, and, even for a little while, of the gaping hole punched through the centre of his being that brought him so much agony. He was sure that Jean felt the same. And when, the one night, he found himself breaking down and falling asleep in Jean's arms, he knew that there was something else bubbling up beneath the surface of their little arrangement. He was thankful when Jean finally decided to broach the subject of their nightly arrangement first.

"Hey, I gotta ask you something," Jean started one night, as they were climbing into bed.

"What is it?" Eren asked, already having a feeling that he knew what he was about to say.

"Don't you feel that..." Jean stopped, his mouth pressing itself into a hard line as he tried to think of how to say what he was trying to say. He looked at Eren, who was waiting for him to finish what he was trying to say with a knowing glint in his eyes. On impulse, Jean reached across the bed and grabbed his shoulder, climbing a bit closer so he could kiss him. It was awkward at first, especially the angle, but they soon adjusted.

Eren didn't feel the same spark, the same connection that he felt when he kissed Levi, but if he closed his eyes, it was easier to forget that it wasn't him. When he felt Jean's tongue press lightly against his lips, he didn't hesitate to part his lips and let it in. Jean was hesitant at first, afraid that he was pushing too far for Eren. But he wasn't. It only occured to Eren just how different kissing Jean was compared to Levi when they finally pulled apart. Of course it was slightly hesistant and awkward as it was their first kiss, but Eren simply couldn't feel any electricity or pull to it. He didn't feel like he could kiss Jean forever, drown in his lips, attach himself to him for all eternity.

But, the pain was lifted for that time. Just a little.

"Was this what you were trying to say?" he asked, panting lightly.

"We need each other," Jean replied, "and we shouldn't deny it." Eren couldn't help but feel he was right. After all, with Jean, he could fill the hole left behind by Levi a little. He felt less empty. And he felt that he could cope a little better if he was with Jean.

But if they got together, he knew it would be the start of something that would only end with disasterous tragedy. It was like trying to fit two jigsaw puzzle pieces together that just didn't click, and forcing them together only disfigures them. But to his surprise, he found that he didn't care.

"We shouldn't do this," Eren said finally.

"I know," Jean replied.

"But I want to. I know we'll both feel better, but..."

"Jäger, stop thinking about it too much." Jean put a gentle hand on Eren's cheek. "You and I both know we need this." And Jean kissed him again.

Levi, Eren thought desperately, before he stopped thinking.

They went all the way, and they never went back.

\--**--**--**--**--**--

Some nights would passionate, desperate hands crawling over hot skin, trying to drown themselves in the sensation of tongues dragging over necks, battling for dominance. Trying to drown out the world. As if they could fill the space their soulmates left with their almost hopeless love-making. Or, at least that’s what they led themselves to believe. Neither of them were willing to acknowledge what they were actually doing – sex for release, sex to try and replace what’s been lost, sex as a distraction.

Other nights they would find themselves in each other's arms, crying and crying until their eyes swelled up and they became exhausted, their grief overriding their ability to do anything else. On these nights, Eren felt the most guilty about his relationship with Jean. He knew it was wrong, and sooner or later his soul was going rot his body, but he couldn't help himself. The deeper their relationship went, the more he could forget about the pain of Levi's death. Sometimes he wonders what Levi would think of him, as he felt that he was cheating on him. He was sure that Jean felt the same.

But the deeper their relationship went, the more he could forget about Levi and the grief.

Perhaps that's how his delusion started.

"Hey Jean?" Eren said, as they were about to go to sleep.

"Yeah?" Jean answered sleepily.

"I think I love you." There was silence for a minute, and Eren was worried that he managed to ruin their arrangement.

"Me too." He exhaled with relief.

And with that confession, he felt that he had gone in too deep.

\--**--**--**--**--**--

The next morning, when Eren was about to get dressed, he found what appeared to be bruises covering his large patches of his body. He could feel a dull throbbing pain, and when he pressed them, they hurt even more. He sighed. Of course this would happen - paying body tax for being with someone who wasn't his soulmate. Dubbed Soulmate Sickness, it was the result of the soul rejecting a chosen lover, and the body starts to decompose as a result. The bruise-like patches were just the start of it. He knew it would only get worse, until he died or he stopped being with Jean.

Yet he just couldn't bring himself to care.

When he went to the mess hall for breakfast, Armin immediately came up to him.

"It's going to destroy you, you know," he said at first, and Eren cursed. Of course he would bring it up. He saw Armin eyeing the bruises on his neck. Those bruises had been a direct result of Jean's tongue, unlike the bruises across the rest of his body.

"What are you talking about?" Eren replied, pretending that he didn't know what Armin meant.

"The bruises," Armin said, annoyed. "It's only going to get worse. You have to stop before the damage becomes irreversible. It's going to kill you!"

"I'm not stopping," Eren injected, though his voice was monotone. "I don't care about that. I love Jean."

"No, you love Levi. You're tricking yourself into believing that you do love Jean when you're using him to fill a hole. You're both using each other and deluding yourselves-"

"Armin, stop. That's not true!"

"This is going to lead to both yours and Jean's deaths-"

"I don't care about that! How could you understand how I feel?"

"I don't, but-"

"Then just shut up!" Both of them were silent for a moment, neither of them believing Eren's outburst, until Eren turned away and stormed off.

"Eren, please-"

"Just stop, Armin." Armin realised that Eren was close to tears, with the way his voice quivered. He sighed, also on the verge of tears, but felt helpless as he watched Eren walk away.

Later that night, when Eren went to bed with Jean, he noticed that Jean also had bruises crawling over his body, especially his back.

"You too, huh?" Eren said, looking at them.

"Yeah," Jean replied simply. They both settled into their bed, staring up at the ceiling, both sensing the topic they needed to talk about.

"Hey, Jean-"

"If you want to stop, I won't blame you," Jean blurted out, silencing Eren. "I don't know what you think about this whole rotting alive shit, but if you can't deal with it, I don't blame you." Eren was silent for another minute, trying to think of his answer.

"I don't want to," he started, getting Jean to look at him. "Stop, I mean. I know at some point we'll fall apart. I know we'll probably die. But it's better than facing that emptiness and pain." For the first time, he had mentioned what they had silently agreed not to mention - their dead soulmates.

"I can't say you're wrong," Jean murmured. "Well, I'll stick by you in any case." Eren finally turned towards his lover, giving him a smile.

"I love you," he said, returning to the lie that the two of them had built.

"I love you too," Jean replied, grabbing the back of Eren's head and pulling him into a kiss.

\--**--**--**--**--**--

A week later, as the bruises opened up into stinking wounds that prompted Eren to start wearing bandages around his torso, arms and legs, he was tasked to clean out the dining hall along with Jean. Erwin asked him to clean it top to bottom - up to the standards Levi would have expected (well, he didn't say it exactly like that, otherwise Eren would have started crying, but he did say that 'the hall needs to be cleaned up to the same standard as before.' Which meant Levi standard.)

Eren sighed, looking at the challenge ahead of him. All the buckets, sponges and detergents had all been prepared, so the only thing left to do was to start scrubbing.

"You do that side, I'll do the other side," Jean grunted at him, pointing at where he should go.

"We'll get this done in no time," Eren tried to say confidently, perhaps even attempting at summoning some enthusiasm.

Enthusiasm my ass, he thought to himself. The only thing I'm enthusiastic about is getting this done as soon as possible.

"You keep telling yourself that," Jean replied with a snort, setting his bucket down. Eren set his own down, and decided to do the floors first. He washed them down and scrubbed at whatever food spots that were remaining after a food fight (even the Levi squad can have fun.) He brought a step ladder in when he could no longer reach up.

He climbed it carefully, making sure it wouldn't collapse with every step he took upwards. He stopped suddenly, as the familiar throbbing of a bruise - or wound - began on his chest. He looked down his t-shirt and saw that another wound had appeared. He cursed, taking a step down, but he misjudged where it was and was sent tumbling back to the floor. Jean turned around immediately after hearing the crash and saw Eren curled up in the floor, gripping his chest and stomach.

"Holy shit!" Jean cursed. He ran over and kneeled by Eren's side, and saw that the fabric of his shirt and trousers were gradually growing darker. He frowned, then yanked Eren's t-shirt up to reveal soaking wet bandages. Soaked with blood.

"Oh god," Eren groaned in pain.

"Hang on, I'll take you to the infirmary," Jean said, collecting him into his arms. He noticed that he seemed too light. He walked as fast as he can out of the hall and down the hallway, noting with growing panic that Eren's clothes were getting increasingly soaked with blood.

His wounds must have opened up, Jean thought. He did tell me that he had to bandage them, they were getting so bad. But I didn't think it was this bad.

He arrived at the infirmary, catching the attention of a couple of nurses who ran up soon as they saw Eren's limp form in his arms.

"What happened?" one of them asked, helping Jean place Eren on one of the beds.

"He has wounds that just reopened," Jean explained, as the nurse snipped open the t-shirt. Upon seeing the blood soaked bandages, Jean gasped, taking a step back as his eyes fixated on the amount of blood leaking through the once white cloth. The nurse stayed calm, however, as he called a few others over and then cut open the bandages, applying pressure to the wound. The stink of rotting flesh immediately hit Jean's nose, and he put a hand over his mouth and nose. Tears pricked at the corners of his eyes - how could it have gotten so bad so quickly?

"Kirschstein, right?" Jean heard, then span around to see a doctor standing behind him. "I think you should stay outside for a while. It's obvious you're stressed, so it might help not to watch. I assure you they are more than capable of helping him."

"Okay," Jean replied, cursing internally as he choked on the single word.

"I'll escort you. I have a couple of questions to ask you, anyway." Jean merely nodded as they walked together towards the door.

"Shoot, I guess."

"Okay then. How did he get so many wounds all over his body?"

"They're not really wounds. It's..."

"Soul Sickness," someone butted in, and Jean looked up to see Armin glaring straight at him. "I saw you carrying Eren. I'm guessing his wounds re-opened?"

"Yeah. Apparently they were fine this morning," Jean said. "But... obviously they're not."

"The wound that opened up looks new," the doctor pointed out. "What, or I guess who, is causing the decomposition?"

"He's standing right next to you," Armin growled. Jean looked like a deer caught in headlights.

"I see," the doctor replied with a frown. "And your wounds?"

"Still oka- ah," Jean grunted, wincing as he finally noticed the ache in his torso.

"We better have a look at that," the doctor said. "Follow me." He led the way towards one of the doctor's rooms, Jean following reluctantly, staring at Eren as they went past. Armin followed them, but stopped at Eren's bed, watching as the nurses, hands soaked in blood, continued putting pressure on the wounds that were, now, only leaking a little bit a blood. However, it looked horrible - there was blood everywhere, soaking what was left of Eren's clothes, the bed underneath, over his torso and the nurses. Armin looked at him, worried, hoping that his titan-regeneration ability would kick in and help him recover. Looking at whatever skin that wasn't covered in blood, he looked extremely pale. A sign of major blood loss.

Jean sat down on the medical table in the doctor's office, taking off his t-shirt as he did. He winced as the bandage around his belly had also darkened with blood.

"If you two are in a self-destructive relationship, how come you don't seem to be as bad as Eren Jäger?" the doctor asked, snipping open the bandage.

"I'm not sure," Jean answered, donning his thinking face. He hissed as he felt pressure being applied to his slowly bleeding wound. "I take a lot of painkillers and stuff so I don't feel the pain all the time. But Eren's always been more reckless..."

"So perhaps this is more due to not treating his wounds properly?"

"Yeah." The doctor brought out a brown bottle and a cloth.

"I'm going to apply disinfectant, it will sting a bit." Jean tried to brace himself, but he almost recoiled backwards when he felt his skin burn as if he was being stung by acid.

"What is that stuff? It's never stung that bad before."

"Our strongest disinfectant. It will help stop any infections." He took the cloth away and got out a new bandage. "Eren should be okay by now, but it might be better for you to stay away, so his wounds can heal. Yours too."

"I know, but I can't," Jean said, getting off the table. "Thanks, by the way." He grabbed his t-shirt and put it on.

"You really need to think about what's best for the both of you. I don't believe you're the suicidal type," the doctor warned.

"It was our choice," Jean half-growled, heading towards the door. He sighed and then held up a hand in goodbye. "Thanks again." He walked out and beelined towards Eren, who was sleeping quietly on different bed. He was clean and wrapped in new bandages, but he was still very pale.

"You shouldn't be here," he heard, and saw Armin approach him.

"The doctor already gave me the whole lecture, so save your breath."

"Well then, I'll tell you something else. Eren is too determined to mask the pain to an extent that he's willing to destroy himself. He won't listen to me, though-"

"And you honestly think I will?" Jean interrupted. He turned away, looking upwards as he refused to cry. "We both made our choice, Armin. We both know what would happen, and we accept it."

"And what good will it do for the rest of your friends? For the rest of the military?" Jean took a deep, yet shaky breath.

"Do you have any idea how it feels? To... lose a soulmate?" Armin was silent. "It's like... being stabbed. With the biggest blade in the world. But the pain never goes away. It's always there, haunting you every day and night. And inside you, it feels like a huge chunk is missing. You feel so empty. It's unbearable." Jean finally looked at Armin, his eyes clearly glossy with tears. "So yeah. I'm sorry if I feel like I can't live anymore. And I'm sorry that Eren's the only one who understands." His voice wobbled at the end, and he put a hand over his mouth and stormed off. Armin stared at where he once stood, shocked at Jean's words.

"What am I supposed to do?" he said quietly to himself.

\--**--**--**--**--**--

Over the next few days, Jean stayed away from Eren, who was still recovering in the infirmary. He was thinking about their relationship, and wondering if it would be best if they stopped. As soon as Jean stopped being with Eren, his wounds healed at an inhuman speed. Sometimes at night when Jean couldn't sleep, he would watch in wonder as his skin and flesh knitted together before his very eyes. The pain was gone, and there was only a tingling sensation in its place. It was the first time since Jean and Eren were together that he felt healthy.

Except, since he was unable to spend time with Eren, the space in Jean's heart left by Marco yawned open, sending fresh waves of pain and grief throughout his entire being. Was the pain always that bad? Or had he been too distracted by his and Eren's relationship?

He wasn't too sure how much longer he could deal with the pain.

When Eren was released from the infirmary, Mikasa made a point to tell Jean to stay away from him.

"Because of you, Eren was badly hurt," Mikasa told him. "I didn't realise how bad it was getting. I won't let that happen."

"You know Eren and I chose this, right?" Jean said angrily. "We knew what would happen. You have no right to interfere."

"I will protect Eren, even if it means protecting him from himself," Mikasa replied, equally as angry. "This is your only warning. Stay away from him."

"It's none of your business. It's not like you're his soulmate."

"You're not his soulmate either, so you can't say anything." Jean shot her a glare.

"I can't believe I had a crush on you," he mumbled.

"Thank God Marco was there to stop you from embarrassing yourself further." She smirked. "Though it was funny to watch you fall over yourself for him."

"Shut up," he seethed.

"Oh? Is our baby-"

"Kirschstein! Hurry up, you're late for your shift!" someone called - probably Erwin - down the hallway. Jean sent a last glare at Mikasa before turning and walking away, feeling her own glare on the back of his head.

Jean suspected that Eren got a similar talk from Mikasa, and was thus surprised when he was hugged from behind the next day.

"Why didn't come to bed last night, even though I was released?" Eren whined.

"I think if I did, Mikasa would have disembowelled me," Jean replied.

"You shouldn't worry too much about her," Eren said, pillowing his head in the crook of Jean's neck. "If she wants to get to you, she has to go through me first, and you know how that will end." Jean snorted. He knew there was no chance that Mikasa would hit her precious brother.

"Fine, I'll be there tonight," he promised. "Now you better let me get back to work, otherwise I'll get into trouble."

"See you later!" Eren let go of him and went off to do whatever work he was tasked with - Jean wasn't sure.

Later night, Jean cornered Eren in the basement like a lion hunting prey and ravaged him. Eren prayed that nobody upstairs heard them.

\--**--**--**--**--**--

Over the next few weeks, Jean and Eren returned to where they left off with such fervour that the decomposition came back twofold, leaving them crippled within a month. They were excused from their duties, and they spent their days hobbling along with walking sticks as their legs became too weak to support them. Armin and Mikasa had tried to keep them apart, but they always managed to get back to each other somehow. After many explosive arguments, Mikasa and Armin were forced to live with the fact that their beloved friends would die soon.

One day, Eren decided to take a walk outside. He seemed absolutely exhausted, yet he still dragged himself out. Jean wordlessly followed him.

It was a sunny day, and they settled down on a patch of grass, Eren's head resting on Jean's chest. It hurt, but Jean had a feeling it wouldn't hurt for much longer.

"So why did you want to come out here?" Jean asked. "It's not like we can just come out here easily." Eren laughed bitterly, looking up at the sky.

"Look us, Jean," he said. "We're falling apart - literally. We're on death's doormat, but we refuse to admit we're wrong."

"We were wrong," Jean corrected, trying to block out the pain that was spreading throughout his entire body, "but we refused to accept it. Now look at where it's brought us." They stayed silent for a while, both trying to fight the urge to sleep.

"Just tell me you don't regret anything." Jean sighed deeply, closing his eyes for a moment.

"Only that I couldn't save Marco. You?" Eren stayed silent for a moment, looking at the sky and the clouds that were slowly migrating across the blue expanse.

"I regret that I was ever born into this world. This world where death is so common. A world of titans. I wish I was born in a world without titans, where we could just live our lives without having to worry about dying."

"That's... deep," Jean admitted. "A world without titans, huh? I can't imagine it. It sounds so... peaceful."

"I can imagine it. I can imagine me and Levi living in a house together, with kids we'd adopt off the streets. Levi would have this awesome and amazing job that he absolutely loved, which I hope wouldn't put his life at risk. I'd stay home with the kids. I'd play with them, teach them how to play sports, and shower them with love and a happy childhood. As long as we're safe and happy, that's all that would matter."

"Marco would have liked kids." Eren closed his eyes, feeling the gentle tug of sleep pulling closer to the edge.

"Hey Jean?"

"Yeah?"

"I'm going to sleep." Jean opened eyes, looking at Eren. He had tears tracks on his cheeks, but a serene look was etched onto his features. Jean smiled sadly, realising what he really meant.

"You do that," he said, moving a lock of hair out of Eren's face. "Goodnight, Eren."

"Goodbye, Jean."


End file.
